Security, freedom and love

Some time ago I promised a post about the psychology and emotions at this stage of our hotwifing adventure.

For those of you who haven't followed the whole story to date, here's a quick recap.

Anna became a hotwife in August 2007 when she had extramarital sex for the first time since we married five years earlier. We had been discussing the idea for a few months. It was originally my idea, and she had taken some persuading that it was a good one.

Since that first encounter, which was with Jerry, Anna has had extramarital sex with three other men, all with my consent and encouragement. To date, the three that followed Jerry have all been one-off encounters, whilst she has continued to see Jerry from August 07 until the present day. The last time they fucked was yesterday.

Although lovers 2 and 3 were single encounters, lover 4 (James, whom she first met just two weeks ago) is in her diary for two further dates next month. Her relationship with Jerry has been through very good times, when they have met more than once a week, and barren patches where he's been off the scene for months at a time due to his personal circumstances.

Our lifestyle is completely private - all bar one of our "real world" friends are unaware of Anna's other persona, when she's not being the professional, mum, sister, daughter, friend or any of the other roles she holds down in life.

In the online world we have a few friends and confidantes, and I've often been asked by them why we do what we do.

The answer is complex, and is slightly different today from the one I would have given before we started out of this journey. Back then, I would have talked about being conscious of the risk of marital sex becoming stale and predictable, of the risk of taking each other for granted. It's certainly true that our own sex life is the direct opposite of stale and predictable now, and that we definitely do not take each other for granted. For me, the sight and sound and knowledge of my wife having sex with others forces me to make sure that I work hard to keep our own relationship as happy and solid as possible. For her, the recognition that she has the best of both worlds - security (with me) and freedom (with her lovers) has made her all the more appreciative of a husband who has given her that opportunity.

So today, my answer to the question about why we do it is less to do with the sex, and more to do with a deep understanding of the dynamics of marriage and of my wife's needs and desires.

That combination of security and freedom for Anna is surely something close to the ultimate experience of marriage for a woman. We are conditioned to accept that marriage is about exclusivity, about possession. In many societies the view of the wife as a possession of the husband is very deeply held. By giving Anna back her sexual freedom, whilst guaranteeing her unconditional emotional security, I believe that I'm making the ultimate expression of love for her.

All of this raises two interesting questions, both of which I've been asked by online contacts. Firstly, about timing. Was there anything significant in the timing of Anna's start as a hotwife? It was seven years into our relationship and five years into marriage. The only comment I would make is that I don't think I could have made it start any earlier, because I had to know that we were on very solid foundations in our own relationship before contemplating allowing her to have a sexual relationship with anyone else. Maybe others could safely start earlier in their relationship... for me it just felt about right.

The other obvious question is why my gift to Anna isn't reciprocated to me. I can't give a rational answer to that question. The facts are these: Anna couldn't cope with the idea of me with another woman; I have no desire to be with any other woman, in any form of sexual relationship; and I lose no sleep about the apparent asymmetry of our "lifestyle". Until any one of those facts changes, we're both just fine with the way things are. It works very well for us.

To come in the next few days... another post about love. It's a biggie.

Ben